Hate you.

I don't know if I should start with 'Sweet..' or 'Dear..' or 'Hey..' so I'll just leave the head away.
I'm not gonna ask how you are doing either, because frankly I don't care how you're doing. I'll be writing this letter only because I want you to know how I'm feeling. And to be honest I'm not feeling good.

I got scared by the time you said 'Honey you know I love you right?'. The kind of fear like you feel in the split second you're turning around to see if there is some toiletpaper left, because you just used the two last papers. The kind of fear you feel when you drop a glass on the floor, but it doesn't break. Because when it IS broken, you're just too angry and stressful to feel fear. Anyways it was only the split second of fear I was talking about.
Bytheway, you said I knew that you loved me, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I can't believe you'd do a thing like that, to me, we've been together for almost three years now for cryin out loud!
Three years!! You know how long that is? They say that the first three years of your life are the most important years. Okay, so the years with you weren't the first years, but they were important.
To me. Silly me to think that they mattered to you too.
'But they dooo!' I hear you say right now. Funny how I can hear you talk in my head. I hear you talk quite often too.. once I could swear you left a message on my answering machine, like 3 weeks after you left.

In those three weeks I felt this terrible pain. The kind of pain you feel when you get a good kick between the legs. I guess that different for you girls, but I tell ya, it's not funny when you're a guy. Your whole manliness is being crushed and you feel like everything that is you, has been taken away from you. You know the feeling when you're walking up the stairs with a trey, and you want to take another step, but you've run out of stair. You just take this extra step. You always feel like 'bummer' when you do that, don't you? Well you probably not, you just don't think when you're walking up the stairs. You're just one big exception aren't you? Other people always stick with who they're dating, not you. Other people mean it when they say 'I love you', you don't. Especially that fact left a really really bitter taste in my mouth. In my whole body I think.
I notice that I'm using metafors a lot, but I guess I'm just trying to explain how I feel. I want you to feel the exact same, or maybe a little more, a little worse.. I don’t know why. I didn't think I'd hold a grudge against you, obviously I do.

I look at other girls you know. I do. I even tried to take one home one night, then when we were on our way home, she said that I was the typical case of 'just-broke-up'. Or no, that's not what she said, she said 'just-been-dumped'. God, it was just like she kicked me in the crotch onceagain! I just looked at her pretty face and I suddenly started crying. I only cry with you. I cried with her too, this time. She comforted me and took me home, put me in bed and left. I didn't see her since.
I don't have the nerve to ask girls out. The silly thing is, with the other guys, the girls chase them, ask them out. But not with me, because they think I'm still dating. I haven't told anyone yet. It's been four weeks and I haven't told the press. I hope you haven't either because otherwise I'd look like a complete moron.
I swear, the minute I meet someone who looks like you, I'll ask her out. Or no, that wouldn't be a good idea. I once thought to see you, walking down town.. I started running after you, touched your shoulder, but it wasn't you. I felt so bitter! And stupid too. The kind of feeling you have when you take another sip of your drink, but there's nothing left. You already finished it before. You feel bad because you have no drink, and stupid because you forgot you finished it.

The silly thing is, I know I can blame YOU, that you're the only one who caused all this shit I'm in.. and I can't stop thinking how bad I want you back. I just want you back, I want everything to be as it was before! It was nice, before.
But thenagain, I don't think I would be able to handle touching you, kissing you, and KNOWING you'd been with.. Oh goodness! I can't even bear to write his name down, I'm really being childish. Unbelievable. You know what I believe? I think that I'd be easier for me if you'd have gone and cheated on me with Ritchie or Scott or something.. because then I'd have them to blame too.. now I don't know the guy-only by name then, which I won't write down cos I'm childish- and I have only you to blame. You, I don't wanna blame you. I want you back, but I want to hate you! Better yet, I want you back but I hate you! I love you but I hate you. You know that song by Céline Dion and Pavarotti?? I hate you then I love you, then I love you then I hate you.. (brilliant lyrics too) but that's exactly the way I feel. Only in the end of the song, they conclude with 'Then I love you more' and in my life, I'm not quite sure if I love you more at the moment. Oh bugger, of course I love you more, but there's this dark cloud called 'HATEYOUHATEYOU' over me, which appears everytime I'm in a happy mood, thinking I forgot all about you and finally am ready to have myself a proper LIFE. Well, No, of course not, I'll only have a life when the cows fly up in the sky.

I'll just keep blaming you for it. I hope that's ok with you? I mean, afterall you were the one who caused this. Tell me, you still have to explain it to me for a bit, I don't quite understand.

You said you went to him for comfort. In what way have I hurt you? Why else would you go to him for comfort? I think it'd really help me if you'd say in what way I hurt you.. I'd have myself to blame then too, and for a ligitimate reason.. because I'm still blaming myself for it now, eventhough I don't know what for. Because hey- I wasn't the one who went and cheated on you. On my partner for three years. I still can't believe you just threw that away! IF you'd needed more, why didn't you just say so? Tell me, even break up with me, that'd hurt less than have you cheating on me. I just don't get it! What have I done to you to deserve this pain? God that sounds mushy. I feel like writing songs about this, but I think my soppy whine songs won't exactly be pop material. More like Rage Against The Machine or something. Haven't they split? Can't remember. That's another thing that I hate about you and this whole business. It made me forget about the rest of the world. I forgot to practise, I forgot my dance routines, I forgot to have friends, I forgot to go out, I forgot to listen to music. Have you ever seen me sitting in a room for several hours without having music on? No, me neither. And still, the other day, someone walked in, I think it was J or something. Firstly he stood there and looked at me with his big blue baby eyes (I always say he's got spectacles) looking at me like mad because I had no music on. When he asked how long I had been sitting here I looked at my watch, I had been sitting there for at least four hours. Four hours of doing nothing, without music on, without sleeping.. He couldn't believe it, wanted to take my temperature or something, put me in bed. Goodness, J putting me in bed, it almost scared me. You know I always made jokes about him being the daddy..? Well now I'm not joking anymore. He's really the daddy of the band, he's not only older than all of us biologically, he's older mentally, he's just got them all together. I mean.. you know. I've lost it completely but he's even keeping me together. He's a good man. Look at me! I'm talking to you about J, being a good man. I must be going mad.

That's another thing, you have me going mad. So now it's mad, lonely, angry, hateful. I hope you don't mind me summing it up for you.. I hope you read this, and cry. That's what I've done for the past four weeks.. I hope you cry your eyes out. I hope you cry so long, that you run out of tears and have these little heavy sighs you always have when you've stopped crying. I hope you'll have huge bags under your eyes, and I hope they stay there for the next four weeks. I've been looking a fright since you left me. I've had people asking me if I had all kinds of diseases. Ever heard of the crying disease? It often occurs when a person very near and dear to you decides to leave you. For no good reason. Alright, the cheating was a good reason, but I wish you spared me from that and left me before you went off and had a few good nights with him.

How STUPID of me to believe all those silly lies. 'stayin over at Nellie's' my goodness, you hate the girl! You're allergic to cats, she has cats! 'stayin over at mum's' RIGHT! Your mother wouldn't know how to act if you'd ask to stay the night at her place, last time you visited her was a decade ago. And I believed it!

Conclusion: (this letter is long enough as it is, I'll try to end it) I'm just a stupid sad weirdo. And I hate you from time to time. I can't deny that I still love you because I wouldn't be this sad otherwise. I won't ask you to come back to me because I'm not sure if I can forgive you. All I'm asking you is to write me back and explaining it all to me. I couldn't bare talking to you on the phone or meeting you in person because I know I'd be all over you again in no time.
I've accepted the fact that we won't be together, ever again, and I'm still very angry over that. I hope you understand that but on the other hand, I don't care if you understand it or not. I hope you feel the pain I've felt and still feel, and I hope you see what you did to me.

I hope you'll never ever hurt someone like you've hurt me. Because, to use another metafor, it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest with thousands of sharp knives. Now I know that that metafor is not very original, but hey- it's the way I feel and I think you should know that.

Hey- and now you know it all. I hope you cried, reading this letter.

Abs.